2/16/2010

Sometimes, the perfect storm of things come together, and I strangely feel this "I can do this" feeling and believe that my hard work will pay off and my efforts will directly correlate with results, and that things somehow will be okay.

Right now is one of those increasingly rare moments. And I'm hoping that this once, everything will come out okay.

"Therein lies the best career advice I could possibly dispense: just DO things. Chase after the things that interest you and make you happy. Stop acting like you have a set path, because you don’t. No one does. You shouldn’t be trying to check off the boxes of life; they aren’t real and they were created by other people, not you. There is no explicit path I’m following, and I’m not walking in anyone else’s footsteps. I’m making it up as I go."

- Charlie Hoehn, giving career advice

Bedside Baptist

I, for one, got sick of those jokes about people sleeping in instead of going to church and making awful jokes about going to "the church of the Holy Comforter" or hearing "Pastor Pillow" preach. People who make jokes like that are the worst kind of insufferable.

I guess that is the worst possible introduction to say that a friend of my was ordained into the Anglican church on Sunday. Even though I went to a very Christian liberal arts college, this week was the first time I had been to church in multiple years.

Freshman year of college, I roomed with a very nice, very faithful churchgoer. I went to church when the weather was nice, and, basically because I was following the herd. But as the nice summer and early fall dissolved into the classic Chicago winter, and any motivation I had to go to church was shot to hell (so to speak).

The truth is that I really haven't been to church regularly since I was about 16. I grew up in a family where we never missed a Sunday at church- never. It's not that my parents were tyrannical about it, but that was just the understanding- on Sunday, you went to church. We didn't know better, so we would have never thought to dispute this weekly tradition, or even really ask the reasons behind it. I guess you would classify us as a religious family. Besides the church every Sunday, my siblings an I went to Christian schools all the way through high school (except for my sister, who went to high school with a huge lot of fish-eating, wine-drinking Catholics. I can't tell..... is that offensive? Note to self: take informal poll of Catholics to see if that's offensive).

But religion was never a topic of discussion. Ever. I guess that's a marginally WASP-y quality about our family, but I think we're also a family that doesn't talk a huge amount emotional, irrational subjects.

But in my teenage years, I just no longer saw the point of church. By no means did I then (or do I now) reject what I grew up believing about religion, but I never made the emotional religious connection that seemed to be so key in the evangelical church and the Christian summer camp that I went to every single summer. So around the age of 16, I just stopped going to church regularly. I don't remember there ever being a discussion, and certainly not a fight with my parents about this.

Since then, I haven't really been back to church. In the back of my mind, I think that I will go back someday, but probably not soon. I want to believe- I really do. But I can't stand the thought of blind acceptance based on emotions that seems to be so characteristic of what I've seen in evangelical churches and in college. Religion has to make sense to me intellectually, and until then, I'll be sleeping in on Sunday mornings.

It was good to get back to church on some level. I like the Anglican service- I love the history behind it. But going back to church usually sparks all this in the back of mind. We'll see.

What if I can't do it?

I'm plagued by this question. I'm 22, and feeling very much like I'm having to make decisions and start thinking about things that I'm not ready for.

I'm right now (for whatever reason) on the UT MBA site, and thinking about the very idea of going to graduate school. Joe did it- in spades. He got in to a great school (well, the aforementioned great school) and has done amazingly.

I want to do well. I want nothing more than to throw myself into something and be rewarded for doing so. But I can't help but think that I'm maybe not up to it. What if I can't do it? What if I can't make it in a male-dominated industry? What if I can't handle the math side of getting an MBA? What if I don't get a good internship or job? What if I don't make friends?

Maybe it's justification for the surfeit of TV in my life, but I think there is validity in TV and movies, and what they have to say. I say this because, all during this failure-centric thought process, this section from Finding Forrester has been running through my mind:

" Someone I once knew wrote that we walk away from our dreams.afraid that we may fail, or worse yet,afraid we may succeed."

I don't know what the answer is. Maybe it's just "work hard" and maybe the answer will kind of.... find me, once I find the right thing I'm supposed to do with my next few years. I don't want to be an aimless wanderer.

I think it's all so daunting because there's no "safe place" anymore. It's this feeling like treading water.... with no end in sight. You can't just... stop. I have to keep working, keep advancing, keep preparing for the future.

I'm so paralyzed by it all. And meanwhile, I want nothing more than to write for online magazines, and I do nothing. partly "afraid that I might fail, but worse yet, afraid that I might succeed." But to be honest, a big part of it is just laziness. And that's sad. But if you don't try, you can't fail. It's easier not to try. For so many reasons.

Brie.

I'm not a hummus and raw green pepper kind of girl. Let me explain.

I just finished living with someone for one year who was (or at least wanted to be, and thus pretended to be) the type of person that had friends over for "dinner" and they would eat hummus, sliced green pepper and expensive Brie. I guess that's fine for the Whole Foods set, but I was always marginally uncomfortable around these people. I felt like we had to compare Anthropologie findings and talk about the respective qualities of Pottery Barn vs. Pier One candlesticks. I should add, for the record, that living with this girl was a hugely miserable experience and contributed in very large part to one of the hardest years of my life.

Tonight..... I had my people over. We mixed Tequila Sunrises before we ordered pizza, and ate that and drank gin and tonics while we watched three episodes of LOST. No pretense, no bullshit about triple cream brie. Fun was had by all, and I think that tonight, we will all go to bed resting assured that we don't have giant sticks up our asses.

Mother's Day

Just a quick thought. I'm so confused when I hear girls my age say how much they want to have children right now. I don't understand it. This phase of life, and I'm not being glib about this, is about selfishness. Outside of work, your time is your own, the money you make is your own, and you are allowed to do with it what you please. And I adore this. I can read, or blog, or stay up all night, or have the freedom to make unwise decisions. I'm not ready to give that up. I think it's that freedom that has helped me to figure out who I am and what I want. While those kinds of things can never be determined in a vacuum- not having other human lives depending on you helps.

I'm also very scared by the prospect of having children. I say this because I've seen and know moms who in all honesty don't like their kids. Growing up, I didn't know that people like this existed. I was naive, and gladly so about the existence of unfit and unloving parents.

At lunch today in the office, one woman said that what she wants for Mother's Day is for everyone to get out of her house. And I immediately thought what my mom would say if she were asked what she wanted for mother's day. I could picture it at once because it's something I've heard her say many times before. She would say (and I know she'd be tearing up while she said it): "I just wish the three of you could all be home." As a mother, what she wants for mother's day is just to be close to her kids. And while my parents weren't perfect (whose were?), we always knew we were loved. And I don't know I'd be thinking that about my mom if she just wanted me gone on Mother's Day.

I feel that I wandered off into to separate points there, but oh well. I'm thankful for my Mom, and hope that I can be like her.

I never write anymore.

I just don't. And I don't exactly know why. I mean, there are any number of logical reasons. Writing is active, and reading and tv watching are passive. It takes work, and effort and giving of myself and introspection, and I guess at the end of sitting in front of a computer emailing people I don't like, and creating presentations for still other people I don't like, I don't have the emotional energy to come home and give more of myself.

I think that's true on some level. On another level, I think that's a huge cop-out. I think the "desire to write" vs. "actually writing" (metaphorically speaking) is the very thing that separates mediocrity from excellence. Those who excel are those who recognize the easy, passive pleasures and instead choose the active, creative functions instead.

Maybe I don't write out of fear of failure. Fear that what I'm writing isn't as good as it could be, or as good as the writing of others is. I realize this is silly. Everyone can't only engage in the things that they are already good at. Simple logic begs the question of how these people get good at these things. The answer, obviously, is some mix of natural giftedness and hard work.

In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that one day, I'll find one thing I want to do, whether that be write a book or go to graduate school, and that one thing will provide me with all the motivation I need to slog through the daily hard work of achieving that goal. And while that's a nice idea, I just don't think it's true, or has much bearing on reality. Yes, I think there are some goals that will better suit me, and for these things, I'll have a greater desire to work. But I think the other part of this is creating the motivation where none exists. I think this is just part and parcel of working towards something longterm, but this is just also part of maturity. Putting off something you want now for something you've wanted for years of your life, and something that will benefit you for years to come.

This is one of those principles I grasp rationally, but am only very slowly coming to grasp it in actuality. I think it's something I mull over because I'm terrified of the day when I don't care about this anymore, and am perfectly happy to settle for mediocrity. I think most like-minded college graduates have a deeply instilled sense of purpose, and drive, and desire, and these qualities are very much nurtured in college. A rude awakening, then, to come into the corporate world, at the bottom rung of the ladder, when creativity is rarely encouraged, and the intelligence and hard work that got you in the door is so little utilized.

So, this is a step for me. Writing out my thoughts on.... writing. But also on creativity, and the act of creating. I hope it's something that becomes a habit in my life, and the act in and of itself will keep me away from the ever present pull of passivity and mediocrity.