Just a quick thought. I'm so confused when I hear girls my age say how much they want to have children right now. I don't understand it. This phase of life, and I'm not being glib about this, is about selfishness. Outside of work, your time is your own, the money you make is your own, and you are allowed to do with it what you please. And I adore this. I can read, or blog, or stay up all night, or have the freedom to make unwise decisions. I'm not ready to give that up. I think it's that freedom that has helped me to figure out who I am and what I want. While those kinds of things can never be determined in a vacuum- not having other human lives depending on you helps.
I'm also very scared by the prospect of having children. I say this because I've seen and know moms who in all honesty don't like their kids. Growing up, I didn't know that people like this existed. I was naive, and gladly so about the existence of unfit and unloving parents.
At lunch today in the office, one woman said that what she wants for Mother's Day is for everyone to get out of her house. And I immediately thought what my mom would say if she were asked what she wanted for mother's day. I could picture it at once because it's something I've heard her say many times before. She would say (and I know she'd be tearing up while she said it): "I just wish the three of you could all be home." As a mother, what she wants for mother's day is just to be close to her kids. And while my parents weren't perfect (whose were?), we always knew we were loved. And I don't know I'd be thinking that about my mom if she just wanted me gone on Mother's Day.
I feel that I wandered off into to separate points there, but oh well. I'm thankful for my Mom, and hope that I can be like her.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
I never write anymore.
I just don't. And I don't exactly know why. I mean, there are any number of logical reasons. Writing is active, and reading and tv watching are passive. It takes work, and effort and giving of myself and introspection, and I guess at the end of sitting in front of a computer emailing people I don't like, and creating presentations for still other people I don't like, I don't have the emotional energy to come home and give more of myself.
I think that's true on some level. On another level, I think that's a huge cop-out. I think the "desire to write" vs. "actually writing" (metaphorically speaking) is the very thing that separates mediocrity from excellence. Those who excel are those who recognize the easy, passive pleasures and instead choose the active, creative functions instead.
Maybe I don't write out of fear of failure. Fear that what I'm writing isn't as good as it could be, or as good as the writing of others is. I realize this is silly. Everyone can't only engage in the things that they are already good at. Simple logic begs the question of how these people get good at these things. The answer, obviously, is some mix of natural giftedness and hard work.
In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that one day, I'll find one thing I want to do, whether that be write a book or go to graduate school, and that one thing will provide me with all the motivation I need to slog through the daily hard work of achieving that goal. And while that's a nice idea, I just don't think it's true, or has much bearing on reality. Yes, I think there are some goals that will better suit me, and for these things, I'll have a greater desire to work. But I think the other part of this is creating the motivation where none exists. I think this is just part and parcel of working towards something longterm, but this is just also part of maturity. Putting off something you want now for something you've wanted for years of your life, and something that will benefit you for years to come.
This is one of those principles I grasp rationally, but am only very slowly coming to grasp it in actuality. I think it's something I mull over because I'm terrified of the day when I don't care about this anymore, and am perfectly happy to settle for mediocrity. I think most like-minded college graduates have a deeply instilled sense of purpose, and drive, and desire, and these qualities are very much nurtured in college. A rude awakening, then, to come into the corporate world, at the bottom rung of the ladder, when creativity is rarely encouraged, and the intelligence and hard work that got you in the door is so little utilized.
So, this is a step for me. Writing out my thoughts on.... writing. But also on creativity, and the act of creating. I hope it's something that becomes a habit in my life, and the act in and of itself will keep me away from the ever present pull of passivity and mediocrity.
I think that's true on some level. On another level, I think that's a huge cop-out. I think the "desire to write" vs. "actually writing" (metaphorically speaking) is the very thing that separates mediocrity from excellence. Those who excel are those who recognize the easy, passive pleasures and instead choose the active, creative functions instead.
Maybe I don't write out of fear of failure. Fear that what I'm writing isn't as good as it could be, or as good as the writing of others is. I realize this is silly. Everyone can't only engage in the things that they are already good at. Simple logic begs the question of how these people get good at these things. The answer, obviously, is some mix of natural giftedness and hard work.
In the back of my mind, I keep thinking that one day, I'll find one thing I want to do, whether that be write a book or go to graduate school, and that one thing will provide me with all the motivation I need to slog through the daily hard work of achieving that goal. And while that's a nice idea, I just don't think it's true, or has much bearing on reality. Yes, I think there are some goals that will better suit me, and for these things, I'll have a greater desire to work. But I think the other part of this is creating the motivation where none exists. I think this is just part and parcel of working towards something longterm, but this is just also part of maturity. Putting off something you want now for something you've wanted for years of your life, and something that will benefit you for years to come.
This is one of those principles I grasp rationally, but am only very slowly coming to grasp it in actuality. I think it's something I mull over because I'm terrified of the day when I don't care about this anymore, and am perfectly happy to settle for mediocrity. I think most like-minded college graduates have a deeply instilled sense of purpose, and drive, and desire, and these qualities are very much nurtured in college. A rude awakening, then, to come into the corporate world, at the bottom rung of the ladder, when creativity is rarely encouraged, and the intelligence and hard work that got you in the door is so little utilized.
So, this is a step for me. Writing out my thoughts on.... writing. But also on creativity, and the act of creating. I hope it's something that becomes a habit in my life, and the act in and of itself will keep me away from the ever present pull of passivity and mediocrity.
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